Saint Valentines Day...

What was the intended purpose of this day? History of its meaning is bleek at best. So as with any so to say special day on a calendar, its commercialized to mean something completely different than what it was when it began....or did it?

Good old catholic church, recognized this saint valentine dude as someone noteworthy and nobel, a priest in Rome preforming secret marriages of young lovers because the ruler ar the time thought men should be soldier rather than be in a relationship.. 

So the emperor put him and anyone helping him...to death. And as usual..they make a holiday of the dead guy.

Just one of the many stories behind a pagen festival.

Whatever it means to each of us...

To me its just another day as with every holiday it seems. 

Tho it is rather fun to see the festiveness in the eyes of the child. Not all but most children enjoy this day.  God knows I did my best so my children would feel love on this day and every other holiday...yet another thing I am reminded I failed at. 

I gave that to God.  Im no longer dwelling on the fact my children think I was a horrible mother for not allowing the one to commit suicide, to force the issue of thousands of dollars of therapy which turns out we all were normal - imagine that.  For saying NO too much, for controlling organizing and making what needed to happen-happen, for protecting them from parents i didn't know, widening their knowledge of those who suffer in this world so perhaps they'd be grateful for what they had.  For walking away - driving away from a situation to get some air and refocus my thoughts- that was said to be abandonment, even though I came back... I did all those things- as I did for myself growing up.

My mom was around to help me with homework, sports, band, my job...because she was working and struggling to cope with all that she was going thru. 

I dont blame her for my failures as a mother or sister or aunt or human being. I didn't thank her enough. In fact at times because we had a difference in opinions- I treated her poorly. 

Judged, juried and sentenced...imprisoned for my flaws. 

This is love??

Let's reflect once again on valentines day...

I'll cut to the chase. Alot of people died. 

            My heart did too. 

    Over and over and over again.

Some say it is better to have loved than not loved at all for the consequence to love is pain...

This is very true.  The consequence of love is infact pain. A pain I have known all my now 52 years. 

And was reminded of that pain yesterday. As for the past 10? years? Its so long I can't even remember. 

So its just another day.