to be or not to be...

The bond between two individuals- built on trust, honesty, loyalty..the building blocks of most relationships, whether it be a friendship or relationship- without all three, the "ship" will sink.

Among those 3 are: in no particular order- communication, comprehensive understanding, patience, listening skills, actually hearing what is said, actions, follow through, respect and this thing called love. 

All ideas and perspectives that vary person to person based on a host of things inwhich the person identifies with. The definitions of most of these words would be similar, but how the word is carried out will be vastly different. 

Why do i speak of such a topic? Well I attended a wedding over the weekend and while watching the people sitting- observing the young couple make promises and commit to one another I made two observations- those who truly believe in what marriage should stand for, and those who do not. 

One might ask where my views are- and with that I'll wait to the end.

Back to my observations- there were those who sobbed, those who were teary eyed and those who were "somewhere else". 

The sobbers were the romantics caught up in the love, joy and beauty of the moment- happy for the young couple. Most- were older single women. Could it be they reflected upon what "once was" or " what they hoped for" in the moment? Its hard to say. It could have been the opposite.

Next - those who seemed to be somewhere else, or there out of obligation- inconvenienced by the sappy entanglement. Dazed, and distant they stayed until when they could dash out the door. Of course, those were men with the teary eyed women. 

Those women, I had to wonder- i couldn't tell if I was feeling more of their anger and resentment or just utter sadness from the "lack of" in their current relationship.  I'd say it was all of the above. 

Among all the people - roughly 100, I saw one couple actually look at eachother during the ceremony as if to be reliving their own. ONE couple. How sad is that? Later that couple would be seen publicly showing their affection for one another at the reception and dance. That! That! was fascinating to see. In my opinion, that is what love and commitment is. First renewing your commitment to eachother at the opportunity of an invitation to anothers, second again reliving the memory of their day when it was their receptions, their first dance, their day of happiness and joy with friends and family and feeling that love in that moment with no regard but to express it with a gentle touch, a kiss, a squeeze of a hand, a whisper in her ear. And that look at eachother of love. 

Precious. 

I can only hope the bride and groom can make a life for themselves as the couple has. They've been married for over 40 years. 

So where do I sit in it all? Hopeless romantic that I am- well, I don't believe in the stereotypical- societal normed wedding and prenuptial. 

I don't believe a legal piece of paper can keep a relationship sacred. 

I don't believe in promises, or bunch of words to explain someone's version of what they'll do to commit to their version of what honesty, love, loyalty, trust and respect are.

What I do believe is action, and follow through.  

See- one can say anything to make another think or believe something might be so- but the real truth falls in what is or is not done. Its the action or follow through of every word, every thought in its deed that is the proof of who that person really is. Do I need a piece of paper to prove commitment, honesty, loyalty, respect and so on and on and on..no. Piece of paper is just that. It takes a real authentic human being to make that paper mean something.  Same for this ring thing around a finger. Ring is but a piece of metal. It means nothing unless the person who puts it upon the finger actually does what is so to say promised. Mind you in the presence of a God and witnesses. A promise broken just makes you a liar and an idiot just after the fact- for all those to see at a later time. Spare them the inconvenience and the act- please. Save yourself a shit ton of money on dresses, suits and ridiculous decorations that are pointless and food for gluttony for what but to be a joke later because you can't keep a promise... LOL.

 

And then I realize why there are those single older women, the teary eyed, and the distant. 

Reality. Its simply reality. Or perhaps denial of whats REAL. 

Which is for you? Are you in reality? Living realistically? AUTHENTIC?  Or are you in denial? Living a hopeless lie? Mondane existence just klinging to a false reality hoping for change? Always wondering, questioning, over thinking, teary eyed...

Only you can answer that question.  

I've been all of those women. 

Today- not one tear. 

Only a cheer for the happy couple. 

My chip sailed on to other seas of toxic water filled with smells of dead and dying fish in the delusion of fresh water. LOL. Happy sailing sailor. 

Forever does exist.

Time goes by so fast. Especially when you are just sittin still and watching it all just go right on by.   Not that that is a bad thing.  Sometimes, sitting still, being quiet and just being an observer can be so revealing. You can actually take an objective stance and look, watch and listen with perspective that will show you perhaps what is really real.  I think as humans living in the human construct, with the human condition- we can become dooped by what we "want to believe" versus what is real. 

You've read how people often will create a version of a person in the heart or mind- that is simply an illusion. Its not reality - the only place it is real is in your imagination.  We all do it, this is how we over look another's flaws, or the things perhaps that make a person less desirable, or likable OR because you want to be with that person so much - that you actually pick and choose what characteristics, mannerisms, behaviors, and the list goes on - about that person - to suit your needs of what you need from that person to fill the voids in your own life. It ain't gonna work out well. I promise.

After you've done all this- person after person - willfully - you begin to learn it really can be a path of destruction, pain and misery.  Eventually you learn to accept people for who they are - without changing that person in your mind - and that my reader is when you can discern whether or not that person is allowed - whether you give -that person permission to be within your circle. If you can be patient and just observe..people will first be uncomfortable with your silence and observing.  You'll be perhaps called quiet, isolated, reserved, living in a shell - this makes those with the most to hide, the most insecure - very uncomfortable.  They don't want you to see what they are really all about. They don't want you to see their flaws, weaknesses...but guess what  - it'll be obvious. 

Loud, need to be center of attention, all to often - copathetic liars, these folks exaggerate with ease, the deflect blame, never accountable for their own actions, first ones to call you crazy, steal your worth and degrade your value. They are always the dictim..the dick playing the victim while making you the villain in their story - failing to include which page and chapter they created you in. 

They know not what they do -says some. I say - NO, they know exactly what they are doing.  Its the only defense mechanism they have because they are so insecure in their very existence - they have to be the dick, be the tough guy or bad girl, whatever - they are not confident enough to be anything else.  Other than an emmy winning golden globe actor/actress.  Some of the fakest people you'll ever meet.  Chances are - you'll never know the real person.  The secrets they hold - are the skeletons in the closet - those bones you hear rattling when its quiet.  Listen.  

In five ten maybe 15 minutes of conversation with these folks - you'll know.  Ask an open ended question - a question that most people would answer the same. Is the answer short? Long? Exaggerated? Out right lie? Watch when the person answers the question - where are they looking, what are they doing, tone, talking slow, fast, hesitant? Posturing? Attitude? Gestures, facial expressions speak volumes.

Ask a generic question about relationships - not a specific relationship - just relationships in general. watch, listen. Question answered directly or indirectly? Or is it answered at all?

Ask who the most important person is in that persons life...hang on to your hat. And ask "why" to whatever that answer is. 

Ask what is your greatest strength,  then greatest weakness. Watch, by now you should see patterns in it all.  Try interrupt too - do you get talked over? Count how many "I"' statements you hear.  

Ask something completely off course - do you have a plant?  Obviously the answer is yes or no.  If yes, ask what kind. Easy or challenging to care for.  If no, ask if they have a pet.  The meaning - of this question is critical. This is merely one question in this category of who a person really is.

Have a friend or family member of the opposite gender walk up  and address you while your with that person.  Watch the reaction of that person.  Offended? Offensive? Posturing?  Open? Closed? What's that face say? Does he or she say anything ? Polite? Rude? Confident? Sheepish? Gestures? This is a gage to what could be their true emotions.  HOWEVER - be aware their are really good actors out there. It could all be fake - to manipulate you and the situation.

If your out in public - how do they interact with others? How does that person interact with you and others?  There's the first could be flag.

Ask what their opinion is of something that is important to you, or something you've experienced - delving deeper into that persons values, beliefs, challenges.

IT ALL MEANS SOMETHING! The tube of you has numerous tools to utilize in how determine the meaning of it all. Its a matter of how much time you want to invest in analyzing people. The payoff is less time wasted on people who should not be in your circle.

Lets discuss you.  Do you have expectations? Standards? Do you or are you settling for less? Why? Those are your insecurities and or fears. Then, you might ask yourself why are you settling for less? Are not not worthy of more or what you want or need? What are you afraid of? There is nothing wrong with a small circle. Or of even being alone.  

Do your own self analysis.  Ask yourself the same questions you ask that other person. Are the answers compatible? Would you know if they were not compatible?  You know the difference between right and wrong - so you should know whether the answer to the question is a fit or not.  Why would you cave to accept less?   

I encourage you if you haven't already to make a list of what your expectations and or standards are and don't settle for less. Refer to that list often to make sure your not settling for less, not caving because all those feel good chemicals are pumping through out your body. If you are - your creating a version of the person that is NOT real. Your addicted to the chemicals, not the person.  Your ID, EGO and Super Ego are all at war. 

The work of it all is why so many choose to be alone.  Its easy to be at peace and be alone versus dealing with the fake folks out there, wasting time you don't have per say to waste.

I will end with this - if someone can not handle you for who you are, honest authentic person, let them find less.  That person is not worth losing yourself over or your time. It doesn't matter what the relationship is. You deserve to be loved or liked they way you want and need to be.  If they don't measure up - cut em loose and save yourself the stupidity of it all.

Lets keep it all legal and consensual. 

The world is full of actors, actresses, manipulators, insecure dictims - its a tough place to navigate. My hats off to those who fight the fight. I'm glad I don't have to.  I have FOUND all I need and want. Happily ever after. Forever does exist baby.